A Heritage of Avidity

There are a number of notably avid people among my forbears, from whom I am currently seeking wisdom about 'living avid' in a satisfying and productive way. Although my family members who managed their avid temperament in a way that worked well for them (and others) were often those who were 'successful' , I am most interested in how they may have managed the double-edged sword of the avid mind:

We are insatiably curious and very quick at mastering whatever interests us; on the other hand, we are easily bored and distracted and can become overwhelmed by having to do things that are not interesting, especially routine tasks.

This temperament that I am calling 'avid' is my tag for what has recently been described as 'spirited'. There is a growing literature on this; I will add links presently. For now, what I have recognized in myself and the majority of my forebears is a constellation of traits: we are intense, intuitive, sensitive and perceptive. We have very quick minds. Many of us have or had gifts in language, music, spirituality, and art.

My personal experience with this constellation of heart, mind, body and soul tells me that it is not as easy to manage this as those who counseled me in my formative years liked to tell me. I often heard things like, "You're so smart and talented, Miriam, you can do anything!" Yes, well. First I had to get this team of wild horses inside me rounded up and tamed and made into something like a team.

I avidly dislike the term 'smart'. What in the name of all that is holy does that word mean? Is it supposed to be an encouraging word? Is it supposed to help me feel good about myself?  I often heard this word as a sign of jealousy and often experienced it paradoxically as a sort of passive aggressive form of rejection. Another effect was a deep-down feeling of guilt, a sense that 'great things' were expected of me, but since I had considerable difficulty getting any concerted energy out of the unruly gang of wild horses inside me, I knew I was not going to live up to their expectations--whatever they were.

Now that I think of it, the last time I had an expectation spelled out for me, it was to become the valedictorian of my high school class. I am nearly sixty-six, and the thought of it still sends a feeling of helpless shame running through my system. There were so many other things that I needed wisdom and support in sorting out, yet none was offered, and I didn't know how to find these for myself.

To wind up on a more positive note, one of my immediate forebears, my father, was a lifelong alcoholic and died of his disease. What, you may ask, is positive about that? Simply that after years of feeling isolated, helpless, and hopeless in my struggle to live with my own avidity, I finally made my way to a Twelve-Step group called Al-Anon. There, among others, many of them gifted with similar temperaments, I am a grateful and joyous member of a group who does not judge me as 'smart and talented'. I have been able to lay aside my fears of disappointing people who think I should somehow be more accomplished or 'successful'. I am accepted for who I am. I am learning to be okay with myself and to take life on life's terms. I am even becoming free to share about my relationship with a Higher Power, another extremely scary and profoundly important element of avidity.

Well, in my usual fashion, I have opened more topics than I can do justice to in one day. This is what my kitchen counter and diningroom table look like, too. I think I will go and do some dishes now.